Trials.

Ugh. Can I say that sometimes I'm done and tired with my anxiety? Cause I totally am. Most days, it's really good. I don't have to worry at all and I love that. Some days, I'll be doing something completely fine and I'll start freaking. Like today in church for example. I didn't help my cause but it was still so strange to have an "episode" or whatever you'd like to call it in the middle of Sacrament meeting. Totally strange. I've noticed too, that when those moments come, the really overwhelming and uncomfortable attacks that happen, I want to run. The flight or fight response kicks in and usually, I would like to run. Sometimes, I do give in and I run out of the situation. I talk myself into just doing it. Today it was a lesson for me. I had the urge just to get out and get some air. That's not a bad thing, but I had to teach myself that I'm in control, not that I'm not. But there will be times where I won't be able to run. I'll be in the car or airplane or in the middle of a class and I'll have to work it out myself. There was one semester of school, especially in two of my classes, that my anxiety was the greatest. At least once, during those classes, I'd get up and walk the hallways. I was usually on the phone with my mom, frustrated and in seconds of balling my eyes out. It wasn't a good thing. After that semester, things started to look up. 

This past semester, I finally found relief. I learned that the Lord places tools in your life and to progress, you need to utilize them. With my anxiety and all that, I usually would take the battle myself. When it got bad, I would finally go to the Lord. The realization of how dumb I was to wait so long to go for help came over and over again. I would think that the lesson would be learned, but I learned that over and over again. It wasn't until I decided to utilize a tool. I decided to go on campus and talk with a counselor about my troubles. From the time that I decided to do that, things got better. I felt better. I'm so grateful for the tools that I've learned from him. He was able to help explain what was going on. He gave me reading materials to help me further understand what my brain is doing when I'm having my moments of anxiety. I'm grateful for that, for the knowledge that I've learned from him and the help he's given me. 

Yes, my moments still come and go. I'm still working to better myself and continuing to teach and utilize those tools. It's hard some days. I have to be honest. Most days are easier. I have found strength in knowing that I am strong enough to take this battle on. One day it'll be gone and I'll be perfected. But I find strength in the knowledge that I have both secular and spiritually. My Savior understands what I go through. I'm so grateful for that. Even though I find myself wanted immediate relief sometimes, I know that sometimes the test is how I handle myself and all. The relief will come. I also find strength in my family members, especially those who also deal with what I deal with. I understand. They understand. We can talk about it and get strength from each other. 

This is one of my trials in life. Most of the time, I can look at it as a blessing and see a positive outlook on it. Other times, it's much harder to see it as it. But I can handle it. I can do hard things. This is one of my trials.

Even though today started off rough, it turned right around. The Savior is there. He knows. I'm forever grateful.